STEPPING IN~Revisiting...

Dimensions that few 
have entered.

E.P. has found a new friend in Mrs. Campbell and I am transported into the conversations they have.
 

So thought provoking and recommendable in spite of its archaic form of language. It has been a book out of many that has inspired me and challenged me to keep walking, to walk in a worthy manner.

What I love about the format, is that it is a kin to a blog post or a journal of sorts with the dates posted beginning in 1831. Slogging through parts of it, one may want to abandon and forget reading the rest but if one can get through it, there are a lot of nuggets to digest like the following.

In talking about trials and God's sustaining grace after her father-in-law and sister-in-law move in with them that first yr. of marriage. 

"You know," I began....that there are some trials that cannot do us any good. They only call out all there is in us that is unlovely and severe." Mrs. Campbell's response "I don't know of any such trials."

 E.P.  "Suppose you had to live with people who were uncongenial; who misunderstand you, and who were always getting into your way as stumbling-blocks?" She wants to be relieved of this trial.

Mrs. Campbell's response  "If I were living with them and they made me unhappy, I would ask God to relieve me of this trial if He thought it best. If He did not think it best, I would then try to find out the reason. He might have two reasons.

 One would be the good they might do me. The other the good I might do them."

Continuing  "You forget perhaps the indirect good one may gain by living with uncongenial, tempting persons......Then, their making one's home less homelike and perfect than it would be in their absence, may help to render our real home in heaven more attractive". 

Wow I like that concept.

So let's elaborate on the above mentioned about wanting "to be relieved of this trial".  Clearly my answers were so scarce as the years went by.  I truly remained clueless until a few years ago when I was pulled aside and confronted by a possibility.

 I will phrase it in these words, "What happens to high functioning Asperger/Autistic children when they become adults? ,

Keep walking
walk over it, through it, around it

 Some get married and that's where my many challenges began,  after the honeymoon wore off.  Sure, we had fun and fell in love, ignoring the subtle signals suggesting otherwise.  We had love and youth on our side.

I did not realize how deep I would find myself in and I guess that is a good thing.  Had I known the future, it would have taken a different trajectory.  From the beginning and escalating with the arrival of children, the feeling that something was not "right" surfaced.

If you were a fly on the wall, you would soon find out that life is a bit odd at our house.  The constant symptoms of chaos, fatigue, insanity, and many, many heart breaks on this lifelong journey have been very, very difficult at times.  The feelings of being trapped are real.

After years of living with this person, a certain loneliness is perhaps one of those heartaches in not having the stability of living with someone who is emotionally unavailable and oblivious to my anxieties and taking my worries seriously.

I have often been left feeling alone or crazy with a relationship that has evolved into a care giver.

I recall something I read that living with a mate like this is "...like traveling through the Looking Glass".  "You think you have traveled into another dimension, and like Alice you have no reference points for relating to the situation."

The quality of communication has been unnerving and the aspect of non verbal cues, an aspect of a relationship, is mostly non existent.

I made so many missteps in this journey trying to make sense.  I became depressed and even ill at times.

There is no awareness of how to be there for me when I have needed it the most.

When you cross that bridge...

Many earlier days, I felt like I was living in a war zone, with all the "meltdowns" and nightmarish outbursts.  I never knew when or where one of the emotional bombs would explode while he was totally oblivious to a lot of things that make a family work.

After years of frustration on my part and coming to the conclusion that things were not going to change in my rabbit hole if I did not change perspective.

I had to come to terms with the circumstances of God's own choosing.

There were raw days that thankfully are behind me.  There were days I treaded water......days on end of verbal attacks that didn't seam to end from the moment I woke up til late into the evening, with God reminding me to  "Be still and KNOW that I am God!!

Those words of comfort have actually been me mantra since my early adulthood when I faced my first real set of extraneous sorrows.

It was those days, I truly was grateful for all the scripture I had memorized as a child.  It was those days I was thankful for the soothing hymns I had learned to love as they emerged to comfort my tortured emotions and the peace God gives.  I was driven to seek comfort in the words of God.

Just at the right time, right words would step in to carry me that next step.

She's mine!

"And Yahweh is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”~Deut. 31: 8.

I confess, there were many days I  wanted to walk away were it not for those words of comfort cheering me on.

Sometimes those days dragged on, one after another, seemingly forever, a sharp contrast to the speed of today. 

 I learned early on that putting these experiences on paper were cathartic.

The heart break is this, we are suppose to be best friends.

It is a staggering burden to be a companion to one who is so prone to episodes of mania and depression that accompanied my said circumstances.

It is a shame that sometimes it takes 60 or 70 years to still be figuring out life.  ...and then I found SAMe.

Let me ramble on.

Remember, God has promised to guide our steps, not the miles ahead. Ps.37:23

E.P. responds "In great things I do." "What grieves me is that I am constantly forgetting to recognize God's hand in the little everyday trials of life, instead of receiving them as from Him, find fault with the instruments by which He sends them."

E.P. is having a conversation with her sister-in-law Helen. Helen inquires, "Do you always submit to God's will?

How fitting to find some words I wrote in my notebook from July 22, 2003. 

PLACED FOR MY OWN GOOD 

"I am in a season of my life, confronting the greatest physical challenge of my life, type 2 diabetes.  Yet in this I am grateful for the medications and nutrition."  I was only 54, however, the highest hurdles have been dealing with stress and handling such things in a godly way.  

"The difficulty is the tolerance level or is it impatience."

I continue in my own words:  "I am living with a companion who insults me, rides roughshod over my feelings, an insensitive individual who does not understand or appear to appreciate me, yet God has seen fit to place in my life for my good."

This is where, I again, clung to the lyrics of the old hymns, I had been taught as a child.

"When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed,

When you are discouraged, thinking all it lost,

Count your many blessing, name them one by one.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?

Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear.

So, amid the conflict, whether great or small,

Do not be discouraged, God is over all."

In December of 2010, I revisited my journal notes of Aug.6, 2003 and now here I am again revisiting in July 16, 2022.

The entry focused on my benefits as shared from Psalm 18.

Through this Psalm, God has shown mercy to me throughout my many struggles.  He has provided me with the stability and security I needed.

He is my fortress, a place to take refuge in.  A shield, a place of protection from my emotions and verbal attacks.

Thank you for bearing with me as I revisited my rabbit hole and given you all a peek into my life, a look see into my most vulnerable aspects of my life.  While those were some years that I never want to travel back to, I assure you that much has changed and for the better since the nest has been empty except to two cats and found the source of the symptoms      

I  

hope that some of my experiences give you a sense of hope and encouragement.

Not that I want to garner sympathy.