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Saturday, April 20, 2024

BECKYs DAY OUT

Every once in awhile, we take ourselves out to look around and notice. To others, we perhaps act a little peculiar as we enter with fantasies of the past, present, and future.

Perhaps it originated with Alice in Wonderland or the wardrobe portal to Narnia that I get sucked into an amazing array of a surprising world of itself at the mall, the world of things that don't matter any more.

Being the person that I am, I take time to appreciate my surroundings and take it all in.
Summer has definitely come to a close and the change is noticeable.  
So we did a walk-around to escape the chilling, whipping wind outside and ducked into one of the local malls.
It had been several years of entering and like Rip Van Winkle I woke up to some of the peculiarities and subtle changes.
We noticed a few familiar things and others to stop and Hmmm...about, strange and previously unknown.  We spied unexpected little tidbits of present mall and a quick chance to explore the trappings beyond the portal we had just entered.
It all began with the anticipation at the sight of the escalator.  The decision, 'Do we go up or down?'  My mind races as I envision what sights I may encounter.  What kind of things was I to stumble upon?
Emotions were on over load as my other half trailed behind me, a good sport to entering into my world of capturing memories, today.  I was on a mission to take in as many sights as possible as well as to log in as many steps as possible.
  None of the fountains were on to give a sense of calmness.
Our wondering eyes spied Annies (It had weathered the times) and we both knew we just had to have some of those cinnamon sugar pretzel nuggets.

 The price for those delectable sweets shook us to the core, the giddiness was tempered down, the guilt for having spent so much took some of the fun out of it.  My other half slowly counted out eight dollars for that one cup of nuggets.

However, we pressed on to discover other things.  The magical realm of the mall began to take place.  The ice cream shop offered free samples.
JC Penneys beckoned.  An incredible sight of Christmas lined shelf after shelf as if there would be no tomorrow.
I inadvertently ran into Daniella, the cut out.  As I walked past her, she started talking.
The modern version of the photo booth amused me.  With all the cell phones around to take selfies and photoshopping I thought it a little redundant.
Another thing that caught my attention on several counters and doors were a new version of "Closed for lunch or closed, be back in 20 min."
They said, "Closed for Prayer...".  So that got me to thinking, what kind of prayers were being said and for what, our nation?, for those who have lost loved ones in recent times?
On the way out, I happened to notice Tablet strollers, yes Tablet strollers.  Upon closer looking, to keep toddlers busy while shopping.  Each stroller has a tablet.  I did no investigation to determine the rental cost of these. 
Such was my adventure at the mall.



Tuesday, January 3, 2023

"TURNING THE CORNER"


 I just finished watching the 2023 Rose Parade awhile ago.  I could not help but feel that there was just something very different about this years parade.  Of course we say that every year but seriously there was a different vibe about it, an unexplainable feeling.


After an unprecedented past two years due to the "pandemic" and political turmoil, and no parade last year, I thought the theme "Turning the Corner" a nod to new beginnings, a nod to unprecedented events, a nod to unbelievable events.

“The 2023 theme celebrates turning a corner. Whether that corner is actual or figurative like the unlimited potential that each new year brings — we all enjoy the opportunity of a fresh start,” explained Tournament of Roses President Amy Wainscott. “Turning a corner means rising above – alone, or with family, friends and community. This year, as we turn the corner together, we share in the hope, beauty and joy of what 2023 will bring.”

WWG1WGA

The Buhos Marching Band and dancers from Veracruz, Mexico caught my eye capturing a depiction of one of the most fascinating wonders of nature, the Monarch butterfly migration in Mexico.

Very creative costumes.

Thousands of parade-goers watch confetti fall while Tanya Tucker performs with the Mansion Entertainment Group float during the 2023 Rose Parade.
(Allen J. Schaben / Los Angeles Times)



However, what surprised me the most was that our "liberal" blue state allowed country singer, Tanya Tucker to sing with back up choir from Pasadena First, AME church for the grand finale.


That song, “Ready as I’ll Never Be,” a very personalized ballad about watching the next generation up pass on, is a heart-tugger.



Another poignant, emotional, bittersweet part of the parade was the beautiful tribute and tearjerker to see the Riderless Black Horse in honor of the slain Riverside Deputy Isaiah Cordero, who was killed last week during a traffic stop.

Parade-goers get a predawn view of the Rose Parade as it makes its way down Orange Grove Boulevard in Pasadena.(Allen J. Schaben / Los Angeles Times)





Saturday, October 1, 2022

Care Giver~Maid~Housekeeper

I arrived at my care giving post. An inward fight took place with in me.

A dilemma was facing me. I stood there looking, not at the clean dishes but the many dishes after a week end of entertaining that had gone without washing since the last time I had been there. It appeared as if every dish, utensils, pots, pans, were sitting everywhere, some half filled with water and others left hardened with food morsels stuck in and around them as they piled up with in each other.
I stood there for a moment, stared at the pile in the sink.
I inwardly cried at what needed to be done. I wanted it to be done. I walked past them secretly wanting them to disappear with the wave of a wand.
The worst part of it all, it was not only the dishes but tackling the mold in the shower, and other heavy housework.
I ironed sheets, pillow cases, and clothing items. It was at that point, I felt more like a maid than a care giver.
Very little time was devoted to caring. So you can imagine what sort of conversation took place in my mind. House cleaning is not what I signed up for when I considered my profession. No disrespect to the maid or housekeeper industry either but when hiring a care giver are they really looking for daily maid service?
Without going into the many details of some of the chores I have had to do, the most rewarding times in care giving moments where taking un rushed walks, Dr. , or shopping, and generally doing things that directly impact the patient such as enhancing their lives with activities.
My heart was always in caregiving, however, the housekeeping business hourly rate is much higher than care giving. Just kidding but maybe I should have changed professions.
Fortunately, I have had a few positions where the family told me, that I was a caregiver first, and any housework would be light and in between care giving responsibilities.

Thursday, August 18, 2022

SURROUNDINGS


"We are never without beauty in this world—never without displays of splendor. We are never without beauty because God’s divine fingerprints are impressed on all he has made. We are never without beauty because we live in a world carefully crafted by the one who is himself beautiful, who is himself Beauty." ~Challies

Look at Your Surroundings

 I always get joy out of reading the Anne of Green Gable series and watching the made for TV series.

I have often thought of how she saw beauty in everything.  She often chattered endlessly about ordinary sights that most people skip.  Each moment in her life was a source of wonder and joy.

She constantly saw joy in the world around her.  I often now in my later years resonate with those very things that made her joyful and see them as gifts from our generous Father. (James 1:17)

The Rural Road


The mountains, the rainforest, an incredible beautiful place to live, yet in my immature world and myopic vision, I failed to notice.  I was unaware of it past my resolve to survive.  I was severely hampered   Even when I got my first pair of glasses at age three and beyond were the hidden gems I had ignored and the places of peaceful refuge, I now seek and notice.

Each year, the fog coincided  with times spent at home after spending a considerable time at boarding school while other times I looked across the valley below from our home on the mountain side pondering the distance to the village below with the prominent bell tower of the Catholic Church and bell ringing out the hour. (Just like Heidi)

The decisions I have made beyond those years have led in unexpected directions. (blog). As wonderful as Oregon was and the destain I had for Southern California, there were certain elements I left behind, the delicious berry pies and peach cobbler my grandmother used to make.


Those teen years, I lived with my grandparents were wonderful and rewarding, yet full of the early year struggles that would become the foundations, the beginnings of my life race in the US.

As a participant in this race called life, I am often reminded of the  ways God has sustained me as I continue forward in this journey.

It wasn't for me to seek the easy way but the more rural back road.

Many of Gods provisions came along at the points of life when I needed them.  (Not enumerating them here, however, they are interspersed in my many other blogs.)

Sharing life through writing has its vulnerabilities, delights of not only for me but my readers, however, with it come risks of rejection and criticism.  I have never thought my  writings in terms of a paycheck or even a book eventually. (to big of a job)

In college, I took journalism and was submitting articles to the school newspaper for a brief time.  The stress of deadlines eventually delegated any future writing to journals and blogs for the pleasure it derived.  (the AD support ministry newsletter for a time)

Blessings

One of the blessings of retirement and as an empty nester are the long stretches of uninterrupted/quiet time with random interruptions.  This status has allowed me to linger over Scripture  and continue to reflect on life.


Lately, I have been dazzled by some amazing beauties in Gods world around me, particularly in my immediate neighborhood.

The shifting clouds and gradient colors in the sky

Aug.14 

Look Until You See...

"Open my eyes, that I may behold

wondrous things out of your law." ~Psalm 119:18

"{The Lord} will NEVER LEAVE you nor FORSAKE you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged"  ~Deut. 31:8. Gods presence is with me.

The words from a favorite poem/song came to mind this morning from one of my favorite poets, Annie Johnson Flint

  1. God has not promised skies always blue,
    Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through;
    God has not promised sun without rain,
    Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.
    • Refrain:
      But God has promised strength for the day,
      Rest for the labor, light for the way,
      Grace for the trials, help from above,
      Unfailing kindness, undying love.
  2. God has not promised we shall not know
    Toil and temptation, trouble and woe;
    He has not told us we shall not bear
    Many a burden, many a care.
  3. God has not promised smooth roads and wide,
    Swift, easy travel, needing no guide;
    Never a mountain rocky and steep,
    Never a river turbid and deep.


GOD'S PRESENCE IS WITH ME!!!!

Aug. 15


I awoke early this morning with the expectation that today was a feeling good day.  After a night of wandering in my dreams, disoriented, and confused, always attempting to reach the perfect spot to take that perfect shot.  I laid there ready to greet another day in August.  "I wrap myself in still and quiet.", as my dreams appear to be in a state of flux or so it seems also for in real time of these days.

I observe the subtle changes of life around me, remarkable changes as memory takes me back to the brink of my adulthood and some of  those same feelings I had back then. August has always been a hot month and the month of my birth.  I wonder what remarkable changes will occur this month, not only in my body of which I would like to unmark but in the world around me and our nation as a whole.

"You are a God who sees me."  ~marveled Hagar

My other thoughts today:

  • Have I reread books?  Of course I have and they are usually my favorite ones that have had in impact on me like Little Women, Anne of Green Gables, Heidi, Trusting God, etc. etc etc.
  • However, the Scriptures have had the most impact for even the basic reason that they provide joy, comfort, encouragement, encourages faith, helps fight sin, and tells me more about God.

This mornings quote, because I love quotes on rereading:

"We build on the previous readings and have weathered different life experiences to preceive things I didn't before."  Notice different things each time.

II Peter 3:1. "I am stirring up your sincere mind by way of reminder."


STRAY THOUGHTS

Am I a Mary or a Martha?


II Tim.3:14-17. Q: Continue in what?  A: The things I have learned since childhood.

What am I gleaning?  and from where?



When I began reading the Bible in early life and at the brink of adulthood, it was my life line.  It still is my life line, when I grab hold of it.

  • "When I left Queen's my future seemed to stretch out before me like a straight road. I thought I could see along it for many a milestone. Now there is a bend in it. I don't know what lies around the bend, but I'm going to believe that the best does. It has a fascination of its own, that bend, Marilla."~Anne
  • "Isn't it splendid to think of all the things there are to find out about? It just makes me feel glad to be alive--it's such an interesting world. It wouldn't be half so interesting if we know all about everything, would it? There'd be no scope for imagination then, would there?" ~Anne





Saturday, July 16, 2022

BEAR & RABBIT~filling my empty cup.

In the early morning hours
before the sun's quite up
I wrap myself in still and quiet
and fill my empty cup.
©Tara Shannon, 2020



“I want to be heard.” said Rabbit.
“Why doesn’t everyone hear me?”
“Because their heads are already full of judgements and ideas about you.” said Bear. “It’s not that they can’t hear you,
it’s that they don’t want to.”
“Should I try saying things in a different way?” asked Rabbit.
“No.” said Bear. “Say things as you always have. Those who matter hear you loud and clear, even when you say nothing at all.”
©Tara Shannon, 2021


"We often look at clouds, hoping that they'll soon pass," said Bear, "and they will... but before they do, watch them."
"Why?" asked Rabbit.
"Because like everything in nature, in life, they have a story to tell." said Bear. "Stories that are being forgotten."
"Like what?" asked Rabbit.
"The ever changing story of the earth and sky." said Bear. "They reveal their expressions and moods and predict the future."
"Magic..." said Rabbit.
"Yes." said Bear.
"...and when there are no clouds in the sky?" asked Rabbit.
"Look to the sun, moon and stars." said Bear.
"...and if one looks like a balloon?' asked Rabbit.
"Grab hold of its string," said Bear, "and let your imagination soar."
©Tara Shannon


"My life is so boring and ordinary." said Rabbit.
"How so?" asked Bear.
"It's the same thing every day."
"... You mean you wake up and see the sun rise, eat some clover, watch the birds and butterflies fly about, and fall asleep beneath the moon and stars?" asked Bear.
"Yes." said Rabbit.
"That sounds like no ordinary magic to me." said Bear.
©Tara Shannon


“What are you doing?” asked Bear.
“Practicing my smile.” said Rabbit.
“A smile can hide a lot of scars...” said Bear, “don’t hide them.”
“Why?” asked Rabbit.
“Our greatest strength comes from our scars,” said Bear, “they let others know it’s possible to heal.”
©Tara Shannon, 2021

“When I sleep,” said Rabbit, “I soar among the stars.”
“Are you following your dreams?” asked Bear.
No…” said Rabbit, “I’m chasing memories.”
©Tara Shannon, 2021

“Sometimes I think I’ll never fit in.” said Rabbit.
“Maybe you’re not meant to fit in.” said Bear. “Maybe you’re meant to stand out.”
©Tara Shannon, 2021

STEPPING IN~Revisiting...

Dimensions that few 
have entered.

E.P. has found a new friend in Mrs. Campbell and I am transported into the conversations they have.

 

So thought provoking and recommendable in spite of its archaic form of language. It has been a book out of many that has inspired me and challenged me to keep walking, to walk in a worthy manner.

What I love about the format, is that it is a kin to a blog post or a journal of sorts with the dates posted beginning in 1831. Slogging through parts of it, one may want to abandon and forget reading the rest but if one can get through it, there are a lot of nuggets to digest like the following.

In talking about trials and God's sustaining grace after her father-in-law and sister-in-law move in with them that first yr. of marriage. 

"You know," I began....that there are some trials that cannot do us any good. They only call out all there is in us that is unlovely and severe." Mrs. Campbell's response "I don't know of any such trials."

 E.P.  "Suppose you had to live with people who were uncongenial; who misunderstand you, and who were always getting into your way as stumbling-blocks?" She wants to be relieved of this trial.

Mrs. Campbell's response  "If I were living with them and they made me unhappy, I would ask God to relieve me of this trial if He thought it best. If He did not think it best, I would then try to find out the reason. He might have two reasons.

 One would be the good they might do me. The other the good I might do them."

Continuing  "You forget perhaps the indirect good one may gain by living with uncongenial, tempting persons......Then, their making one's home less homelike and perfect than it would be in their absence, may help to render our real home in heaven more attractive". 

Wow I like that concept.

So let's elaborate on the above mentioned about wanting "to be relieved of this trial".  Clearly my answers were so scarce as the years went by.  I truly remained clueless until a few years ago when I was pulled aside and confronted by a possibility.

 I will phrase it in these words, "What happens to high functioning Asperger/Autistic children when they become adults? ,
Keep walking
walk over it, through it, around it

 Some get married and that's where my many challenges began,  after the honeymoon wore off.  Sure, 
we had fun and fell in love, ignoring the subtle signals suggesting otherwise.  We had love and youth on our side.
I did not realize how deep I would find myself in and I guess that is a good thing.  Had I known the future, it would have taken a different trajectory.  From the beginning and escalating with the arrival of children, the feeling that something was not "right" surfaced.

If you were a fly on the wall, you would soon find out that life is a bit odd at our house.  The constant symptoms of chaos, fatigue, insanity, and many, many heart breaks on this lifelong journey have been very, very difficult at times.  The feelings of being trapped are real.

After years of living with this person, a certain loneliness is perhaps one of those heartaches in not having the stability of living with someone who is emotionally unavailable and oblivious to my anxieties and taking my worries seriously.
I have often been left feeling alone or crazy with a relationship that has evolved into a care giver.

I recall something I read that living with a mate like this is "...like traveling through the Looking Glass".  "You think you have traveled into another dimension, and like Alice you have no reference points for relating to the situation."
The quality of communication has been unnerving and the aspect of non verbal cues, an aspect of a relationship, is mostly non existent.
I made so many missteps in this journey trying to make sense.  I became depressed and even ill at times.
There is no awareness of how to be there for me when I have needed it the most.
When you cross that bridge...


Many earlier days, I felt like I was living in a war zone, with all the "meltdowns" and nightmarish outbursts.  I never knew when or where one of the emotional bombs would explode while he was totally oblivious to a lot of things that make a family work.
After years of frustration on my part and coming to the conclusion that things were not going to change in my rabbit hole if I did not change perspective.
I had to come to terms with the circumstances of God's own choosing.
There were raw days that thankfully are behind me.  There were days I treaded water......days on end of verbal attacks that didn't seam to end from the moment I woke up til late into the evening, with God reminding me to  "Be still and KNOW that I am God!!
Those words of comfort have actually been me mantra since my early adulthood when I faced my first real set of extraneous sorrows.
It was those days, I truly was grateful for all the scripture I had memorized as a child.  It was those days I was thankful for the soothing hymns I had learned to love as they emerged to comfort my tortured emotions and the peace God gives.  I was driven to seek comfort in the words of God.
Just at the right time, right words would step in to carry me that next step.
She's mine!

"And Yahweh is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”~Deut. 31: 8.

I confess, there were many days I  wanted to walk away were it not for those words of comfort cheering me on.
Sometimes those days dragged on, one after another, seemingly forever, a sharp contrast to the speed of today. 
 I learned early on that putting these experiences on paper were cathartic.
The heart break is this, we are suppose to be best friends.
It is a staggering burden to be a companion to one who is so prone to episodes of mania and depression that accompanied my said circumstances.
It is a shame that sometimes it takes 60 or 70 years to still be figuring out life.  ...and then I found SAMe.

Let me ramble on.
Remember, God has promised to guide our steps, not the miles ahead. Ps.37:23


E.P. responds "In great things I do." "What grieves me is that I am constantly forgetting to recognize God's hand in the little everyday trials of life, instead of receiving them as from Him, find fault with the instruments by which He sends them."


E.P. is having a conversation with her sister-in-law Helen. Helen inquires, "Do you always submit to God's will?

How fitting to find some words I wrote in my notebook from July 22, 2003. 
PLACED FOR MY OWN GOOD 
"I am in a season of my life, confronting the greatest physical challenge of my life, type 2 diabetes.  Yet in this I am grateful for the medications and nutrition."  I was only 54, however, the highest hurdles have been dealing with stress and handling such things in a godly way.  
"The difficulty is the tolerance level or is it impatience."
I continue in my own words:  "I am living with a companion who insults me, rides roughshod over my feelings, an insensitive individual who does not understand or appear to appreciate me, yet God has seen fit to place in my life for my good."

This is where, I again, clung to the lyrics of the old hymns, I had been taught as a child.


"When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all it lost,

Count your many blessing, name them one by one.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear.
So, amid the conflict, whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all."

In December of 2010, I revisited my journal notes of Aug.6, 2003 and now here I am again revisiting in July 16, 2022.
The entry focused on my benefits as shared from Psalm 18.
Through this Psalm, God has shown mercy to me throughout my many struggles.  He has provided me with the stability and security I needed.

He is my fortress, a place to take refuge in.  A shield, a place of protection from my emotions and verbal attacks.

Thank you for bearing with me as I revisited my rabbit hole and given you all a peek into my life, a look see into my most vulnerable aspects of my life.  While those were some years that I never want to travel back to, I assure you that much has changed and for the better since the nest has been empty except to two cats and found the source of the symptoms      
I  
hope that some of my experiences give you a sense of hope and encouragement.
Not that I want to garner sympathy.