THE COURSE OF LOVE #6 Did I make a mistake?

When I walked down the aisle, my friends and family spoke of my good fortune, and my mother’s joy was palpable.

I entered marriage with the widespread belief that I had found "the one," embarking on a journey destined for effortless bliss. However, the initial glow, like many youthful ideals, began to dim around our fifth anniversary.

The harmonious picture I’d envisioned often felt out of reach. Our personalities, once charmingly complementary, began to show their sharper edges. His need for conversation frequently clashed with my longing for quiet reflection, and his firm hand in disciplining our daughters often starkly contrasted with my own approach. A quiet, persistent question began to form: had I made a profound mistake? This certainly wasn't the smooth, idyllic partnership I had been led to expect.

Over the decades, I came to realize a fundamental truth: the person you marry is rarely the same person you grow old with. The spirited young man I pledged my life to at twenty-six evolved through life’s crucible, just as I did. Had the Karl I knew at twenty-six met the Rebecca of fifty-two, it’s entirely possible we might not have recognized, let alone liked, each other. This understanding profoundly reshaped my perspective on commitment.

Marriage, I eventually learned, isn't about finding someone who "completes" you in a fairytale sense. It is, instead, about the deliberate, conscious act of choosing that person, day after day. This choice wasn’t born of ease or convenience, but from a deeper decision to cultivate something enduring, something more significant than temporary happiness.

A pivotal moment arrived when I finally understood the silent language of Karl’s introspection. His quietude, which I had sometimes misinterpreted as disengagement, was, in fact, his profound process of thought, his way of absorbing and understanding the world. This revelation was nothing short of transformative; it shifted everything, replacing judgment with empathy.

The popular notion of a 50/50 partnership often feels like a well-intentioned but misleading ideal. In reality, our journey was a fluid dance of give and take, sometimes an 80/20 split, other times a humbling 10/90. There were periods when Karl bore the greater burden, carrying us through storms, and countless moments when it was unequivocally my strength that held our world together. We took turns being the rock, the anchor, and the sail.

Today's narratives often emphasize finding an "intellectual match" or a best friend" in a spouse. Karl, while a profound life partner, wasn't my best friend in the way some of my girl friends were or considered an "intellectual match". 

He was the man who understood the intricate workings of engines, a tangible metaphor for his steady, reliable understanding of the mechanics of our shared life. He offered a different, equally vital, kind of companionship.

Karl departed this world a little over two years ago, leaving behind a profound quiet that still echoes. He faced and overcame countless trials throughout his life, exhibiting a quiet resilience that truly defined him.

Looking back, did I marry "the right person"? Perhaps the more accurate question is: did I marry *a* person? And in doing so, did I make mistakes? Undoubtedly. We all do. The true work of a lifetime, then, becomes the persistent, unwavering effort to make those initial 'mistakes' profoundly, beautifully 'right.' It is in those arduous, challenging moments that the true test lies: Was I willing to choose this person over and over again, even when it felt overwhelmingly difficult?

For love, I’ve come to understand, is not a fleeting emotion or a romanticized ideal. It is a resolute, daily choice. It was this unwavering decision to choose, for nearly forty-nine years, that truly forged the enduring thread of our life together.

~rjs

LOSSES #1

Reflecting on the resilience that emerged from losses and a broken flower pot, I am reminded that our collective human experience has the profound power to uplift, inspire, and transform, illuminating the path in our journey.

Dearest friends,

Life's relentless pace often leaves breathlessness, a whirlwind of fleeting moments and unexpected turns. We chuckle at the apt analogy: life's like a toilet paper roll – the closer we get to the end, the faster it spins! 

This rapid tempo underscores the profound truth that amidst the chaos of crumbling structures, something new might be emerging. 

Change, the constant current of existence, invariably brings loss. Some losses are subtle, almost imperceptible, quietly slipping into the recesses of memory. Others are monumental, seismic shifts that redefine lives. They can be crippling, yet paradoxically, they can also strengthen, forging resilience from the crucible of grief.

My own life serves as a testament to this intricate dance of loss and transformation. The losses I've experienced—the heartbreaking miscarriages, the devastating loss of my only son, the painful separations from friends and loved ones, the upheaval of moving with little notice, the inability to say proper goodbyes—these are wounds that run deep. 

Beyond the grand narratives of grief, there are countless smaller losses that accumulate over time: the fading of familiar faces from my neighborhood, the loss of cherished keepsakes, the bittersweet departure of friends, the quiet erosion of youth and energy. Even the seemingly insignificant losses—the absence of a favorite food, the loss of hair, the diminished strength—contribute to the intricacy of life's journey.

THE COURSE OF LOVE #5

I'm profoundly grateful for the remarkable life marriage created. Our unwavering support was pivotal in shaping my today. His incredible resourcefulness, from tackling any repair to establishing the secure foundation of our home, was a constant source of admiration although not always appreciated and at times did not go well. He was more than a partner and companion; 

he was my strongest advocate. His steadfast belief in me acted as a powerful catalyst, always inspiring me to reach further. Every shared challenge and triumph only deepened our bond, weaving an unbreakable connection that strengthened with each passing year. Our history, rich with both laughter, tears, and lessons, formed the cherished threads of our life together.

He inspired my personal growth in an indirect way daily, even through transformative forces of challenges and disappointments. The home and family we built were testaments to our dedication, and his consistently bringing new puzzling, wild adventures and wonder into my daily existence.  We ordered life with limited knowledge.  We stumbled.  We fell.

It's difficult to fully articulate the depth of his impact. He was my constant, and  irreplaceable partner for a season who truly completed my world. My gratitude for every moment we shared is boundless.  My gratitude for the invaluable lessons learned and a foundation for the next chapter and season of my journey.