JUST HANGING ON BY A THREAD: Feb.1972

The approach of Valentines Day sent me spiraling, at recalling heart wrenching, painful memories. It was a very low point in my journey.  I felt devastatingly lonely.  It was hard to fathom how I was going to get through this. anniversary of the engagement.  I felt like I was holding on by a thread.

After working an extended shift at The Manor, I felt extremely tired and weary.  That next night would be my last day of work there.

I noted in my journal the following:
Sat. Feb. 5  "How many times have I needed friends to help me in a cheerful constructive way only to have them fail?
How many times have I needed physical strength to perform only to have it fail?  How many times have I needed encouragement and enthusiasm, only to be met with criticism and indifference?  My attitude and tendency toward this is self-pity.  ...self-pity eats hearts out like acid and affects other people we come in contact with.

My thoughts when self-pity sets in:  Why go on in life?  Why keep trying?  This does not help.
I need to press onward.  Thankfulness and reaching out to others, and reading God's Word helps."

Found the following poem and noted it the end of that entry for the day.

LOVE grows stronger when assailed;
LOVE conquers where all else has failed.
LOVE ever  blesses those who curse;
LOVE gives the better for the worse.
LOVE unbinds others its bonds,  
LOVE pours forgiveness from its wounds.  

Feb. 14  Turned out fantastic!  Feeling overwhelmed and very discouraged I turned to the Scripures and spent most of the day pouring out my overwhelming self to Abba Father.

From the end of the earth I will cry to You, When my heart is overwhelmed; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Psalm 61:2

When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, Then You knew my path. In the way in which I walk They have secretly set a snare for me. Psalm 142:3

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. Isaiah 40:28

But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.       Isaiah 40:31

Feb.16 entry, a pep talk to self in the wake of Valentines Day as depression settled temporarily for the day.

Struggling with my feelings and emotions as I write the following:
"A broken engagement does not mean an end to life!  (Although my feelings were telling me different.)  My first instincts were to blame God for what happened.  But God has put me in this situation because he has trusted me to put me into it.

I am in this situation drawing more from God to be sweet, patient, and faithful than I would be in any other circumstances.  God has put me in this circumstance which is like a term in school.  I am so grateful the way the Lord has led me and dealt with me that more explicit words fail to express.
My responsibility in my circumstance or what ever the Lord puts me into is an opportunity to trust God more and honor and glorify Him.
I must not be idle in waiting for God to take me out of it.
I realize that God has a purpose for me to be right where I am and in the circumstances I am in now.
God has placed me in the situation He needs me in the most and that which is best for me.
If I am unwilling to serve Him now, it only proves I am unready to serve him in any other situation or circumstances of service he may put me in.
So Rebecca get with it!   And don't give up as the Devil would have you do."

 forging-my-way-through-1971