A SADNESS CREEPS OVER ME

A sadness creeps over me as I watch the accomplishments and family events occurring in my friends lives, a loss of future experiences for me, as I ponder moments of my son’s absence.
The emotional toll of watching his friends getting married and having children.

 The little moments that remind me of him.  In the midst of this I am more aware of the moments that we no longer have but treasure the moments we did.
It is an emotional roller coaster and I never know how I am going to feel in the next moment even though it has been over a year.

As a mother, I wish, I had been with him that one last time.
Even in his last moments, alone, I am comforted by the fact that God WAS there with him.In the midst of all this I am painfully aware to “guard my heart from negative invasions” that cause me to question God’s love,
to question His sovereignty.
My perception of life has changed.  What was important in the past doesn’t mean as much.
Scriptures and history remind me that I am an immigrant here on earth.  That status remains the same.  My journey has been long and sometimes perilous, but rich and rewarding.  I am just passing through.


“We are here for only a moment, visitors and strangers in the land as our ancestors were before us. Our days on earth are like a passing shadow, gone so soon without a trace.”
I Chronicles 29:15   LL

One of my most treasured memories with my son was a walk on the Donner Memorial State Park Nature Trail.  Little did we both know that it would be one of the last.
It was a quiet, serene, pleasant walk and I enjoyed it very much.  We paused on the bridge to watch the flowing water, trout and schools of minnows and marveled at all the green around.  I captured a moment of him in his usual, pensive, observant stance and snapped a picture.
He in turn captured one of me as we turned to walk up the thin trail, lined with various signs of God’s creation.
My thoughts turned to how pleasant the surroundings to that of the Donner Party of whom many died in such a place in pursuit of their dreams to journey west.
They were just passing through too.
My immigration status:  Just passing through.

The-best-roads-are-dirt  CLICK HERE
Caught-unprepared-feeling-of-horrible. CLICK HERE

WHERE WAS I ?

“Where was I?”  “Where am I now?”

“Once I was young, and now I am old. Yet I have never seen the godly abandoned or their children begging for bread.”  Psalm 37:25

I will be 66, August 25th.

My life is a bit more of a mess than I would ever have imagined years ago that I would be in this season of life.

I feel like life is sometimes and more often overwhelming-challenging-heartbreaking all the while being encouraging and inspiring.

Life has turned out very different than I had hoped for.  It is telling me it’s OK to feel like you’re falling apart, because in so many ways I am.  I tend to forget that I live in a fallen world.  I am part of the truth and reality of the fall.  I have been experiencing body decline.

“ I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.  For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed.  For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope  that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.”  Romans 8:18-20

I am constantly reminding myself to surrender to the concept that God is amazingly in control of my life.
So with that in mind, I should not miss the should’ves, could’ves,would’ves in life.
Life is never the same.

“Every day has been under God’s wise and careful administration”  in spite of the choices I have made.

“all the days ordained for me were written in your book".  Psalm 139:16

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
Romans 8:28

6 Warnings From an Outsider

About Mennonites: 6 Warnings From an Outsider. | LateToEveryParty

I thought this was a very amusing blog post and being that my fathers side of the family comes from good Mennonite stock, I could relate to some of this.  I could not resist sharing it.  Most of our family settled in Kansas, although my grandmother was born in one of the Dakotas.



"Everyone sings and plays some
kind of instrument. They are infinitely better than you and all of your
non-Mennonite friends. I’m convinced it’s something to do with their
mutated genetics. Mutations resulting from surviving in subzero
temperatures on borscht for centuries. They sing at the family
gatherings, they sing their prayers, they sing for everything. Face the
music – you are marrying the Sasquatch version of the Von Trapps. If you
don’t sing or play anything, it’s time to learn something. FAST.


* Tip: If you’re not musically gifted and my theory is sound, eat borscht and pray for talent.


Take a deep breath and realize your family is equally as crazy. There
are just a lot less of them. Congrats! You are so blessed to be
marrying into a huge, loving, musical, close, beautiful and crazy
sasquatch-family!"

Care Giving: THE ART OF ADAPTING

One of the things I learned quickly in care giving was the art of adapting.There comes a time when a loved one no longer has the ability to summon for help or function in our perceived normal.

After driving myself crazy running back and forth down a long hallway to check-up on a loved one, I was prompted to purchase a baby monitor.
During wheelchair joy rides to the front door in the wee hours of the morning to trips made to the closet for Sunday clothes every night, this became very useful.
When it became necessary to add 24 hr. care and it became necessary to be alerted to many other odd behaviors at night, we pinned those Christmas jingle bells to the covers or sheets in unreachable, difficult areas.  During the day, a cluster of jingle bells dangled from the handles of the wheelchair.  The monitor would pick up these alerts in another room.

REMINDER:
So keep alert!  
Eph.6:18
"Praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints."

MY LADY: Care Giving With MUSIC

Care giving is like classical music.

Now why would I tend to think that?

I am quite musically challenged and can not read music, let alone pronounce the titles to some. I am still not to fond of classical music, however, during those five years, I gained more of an appreciation for it and those who play an instrument or sing.
Prior to care giving of My Lady, I knew very little about classical music.( I am listening to classical music as I write this) I am drawn to memories of those five years that I cared for My Lady.
She was an avid musician and could recognize a piece of music within seconds of hearing the beginning of a piece.
  We used to play this little game of which I would play ,from a CD, a piece and see how fast she could tell me what it was. (At first & middle stages of AD)

She played the piano almost to the end, albeit, with “mistakes” that became more frequent as the disease advanced.

It gave her much joy and when these little episodes of mistakes occurred, she would cheerfully declare that she just needed to practice more.

Ponchielli: La Gioconda-Dance of the Hours is a long song of almost 8 min. with ups & downs, and loudness to soft and smacks of carnival music that I believe truly expresses my care giving journey.    This piece was used in Disney’s Fantasia, one of my favorites.

The Opera’s title translates as THE HAPPY WOMAN, but is usually given in English as THE BALLAD SINGER.  The story revolves around a woman, Gioconda, who loves her mother in the 17th century.
  Well, I won’t go into the rest of the story.  Just Google it if you are interested.

My goal for this post is to encourage you to explore music with your Loved Ones.  Make it part of your care routine.  Use it creatively to motivate your Loved One into action on some particular activity.